Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
