Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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