just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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