I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
