K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
