All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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