i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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