I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
