I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
