my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
