need another drink. this is the easiest way
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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