Plan B is the new Plan A
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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