I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
