and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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