Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
