Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
