The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
