how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
