i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
4 words: hood of his car
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
