thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
