I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
