My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My hand turned me down
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
