My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
