i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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