I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
