I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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