I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
