While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Houston, we have a squirter
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
