I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
