I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
