I wish I only lived at night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
