I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
