next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
