so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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