just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
