I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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