Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
