My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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