spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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