i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
