I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Everything about him screamed your future.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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