I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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