Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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