I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Found the puke drawer
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
