On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
