it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
