I got chris browned last night
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
