My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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