She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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