his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It was like getting head from an anaconda
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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