yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
